Searching for the Words

I don’t know when I became one of those people who are unable to focus on and successfully work at more than one thing at a time… maybe I’ve always been that way.  Maybe I’m just lazy.  Maybe I wanted to believe that one thing, one outside thing, could make me as happy as the things and stories that go on inside of my head. 

For a while I think that it did.

For a while it fulfilled me in a way that only writing and dance was ever able to. 

Then I don’t know what happened.  Well I guess that’s not entirely true, I do know what happened.  It’s just not something that I can really talk about or explain here. (Legally binding contracts and all that…)

And now I’ve spent the last couple of months so – angry? Disillusioned? Depressed.  That’s my fault though, and I know it.  I’ve known it all along; I just, I would rather have someone else to blame.  It’s stupid and it’s dangerous to pin all your hopes, all your happiness (even if it’s just external happiness) on something that, while you have some control over your own personal interactions, is not something that you control on a whole.

I’ve always known that.  I’ve never allowed myself to do that before.  But I did it with this, I allowed myself to be sucked in to the belief that this was the most important thing.  This needed all of my attention, all my effort, all my passion… It didn’t.  It doesn’t.  I can be great at what I’m doing, I can help others to do amazing, wonderful things, but it’s not everything and it doesn’t require everything that’s inside of me.

It’s a matter of balance – of finding it, managing it, making it work.  And I’m trying.  I’m going to keep trying. 

I’m going to keep finding time, even if it’s just 10 minutes a night, to spend with my kids.

I’m going to take the time and make the effort to start writing again.  A year ago I was writing something, even something small, every day.  Now I can’t remember the last time I sat down at my computer and just wrote what was inside my head.  So I’ll start doing that again.

I’m going to try to be better.  A better sister, a better wife, mother, daughter.  A better person.  I’m going to try because I miss… Me. 

So I’m back, in what may be a very limited sense.  I do still have other demands on my time, other responsibilities.  I’ve got to find that balance I mentioned and that could be a struggle. But –

I’m back.